Heroes

Well I'm about to workout on this crappiest of rainy Saturdays and I realized I hadn't blogged in a few days. I instantly knew what I was going to blog about though, since it is an idea that has been bouncing around in my mind for the past few weeks.

The idea of heroes.

But I think I've made a distinction.

Heroes aren't people you look up to. I look up to my brother in law, M Y. He's a great guy who is a huge help in my life any time I need it and I admire what he's done in his life. But I don't want to be him. I want to be like him. That's not a hero to me.

Heroes aren't always incredible athletes. I like Ryan Miller. Incredible goalie for the Buffalo Sabres, the US hockey team and the MVP of the Olympic Hockey tournament. He seems like a good man but I don't want to model myself after him.

There are really only 2 people who are my true heroes. Two men who embody ideas and dreams that I have for myself.

The first may seem strange so I'll have to explain myself. Brett Favre. Yes, I know he is an athlete but it's not really that part that I want to emulate. Would I like to be the greatest quarterback in NFL history? Admired by fans the world over? Of course, but that's not why he's my hero. He's my hero because he is the embodiment of persistence. He exudes the idea that no matter what you always stick to your guns no matter what else the world says or does. Most touchdowns in NFL history and most Interceptions in NFL history means he lives by one rule: You can't throw bombs if you're too afraid to throw it at all. The day after his father, high school coach and mentor died he had a choice to make. Take a week off or continue his streak of active starts. He did what he thought his father would have wanted. He played. He went out teary eyed and threw as only Brett could. 399 yards, 4 TDs in front of a crowd where even the most die hard Raiders fans were chanting his name. Throughout his life he's gone through an unexpected pregnancy in high school, 0 scholarship offers, got put as a DB in college, drafted by a team that couldn't use him, traded for next to nothing, a pain killer addiction, his wife's breast cancer, insults to his play style, questions of his retirement, criticism for coming back and talk of his "betrayal" to the packer nation. Yet during all his time as a packers starting QB no team had a higher winning percentage than the Packers, no QB has a higher winning % in below freezing temperatures, and no player will ever be more synonymous with perseverance or the number 4 than Brett. THOSE are the things I want to make a part of myself.

My second hero is my Dad. Now before you start talking about me being sentimental, I swear its not just because the man gave me 50% of my DNA. My dad is married to my mom, the daughter of DD who gave birth to me and my two sisters. What this means is that for almost 4 decades my father has been the partner and support for a brilliant, driven albeit obsessive woman. Almost 28 years ago he became the father of three children who inherited different traits from both he and mom, with the exception of that emotional response. My sisters and I represent our mother in many ways and a house full of us would've driven Gandhi himself to violence, but not my dad. He kept his cool all these years (mostly, hey- nobodys perfect right?) and has been a rock in my life no matter how much i tried to push him away. Every time he told me he had been through what I am going through and I didn't believe him he turned out to be spot on. Several things he has said in my short life have stuck with me above all else. During a particularly difficult time a couple of years ago, "When everyone else has left you, and believe me they will, even M. There will be two people standing by you who refuse to abandon you. Your mother and I." That is a powerful statement that I have taken for granted too many times. The last thing I'll say about my dad in attempts to avoid being too gushy and biased, after all he is my dad, the one conversation I will always remember happened about 10 years ago when I was 12 years old and my mom had been having a hard time with my teenage sisters. We were driving in his car and he said "Son, there are gonna be times in the next 10 or so years of your life where you are gonna disagree with me. You are gonna think I am stupid, crazy, and at times you are even gonna hate me." At this I was trying to disagree, thinking he was crazy. "But what you need to remember is that through all of that, I love you. No matter what." He probably doesn't think I remember that but it will always stick with me.

So that's it for today. I have a ton of work to do. :/

Peace and God bless,

Adam

"Then Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them;

For they know not what they are doing.'

And they cast lots to divide his clothing.

And the people stood by watching;

But the leaders scoffed at him, saying

'He saved others; let him save himself

if he is the messiah of God, his chosen one!'"

Luke 23.34, 35

Duos

I was watching Top Gun after I finished my day today and it made me start going over all the famous duos I admire so much.

Goose and Maverick

Holmes and Watson

Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday

All of those partnerships were so successful because each partner brought an equal amount of himself to the partnership.

I thought I'd found that in M. No matter what I did to anyone else, I considered M very literally my brother and I would do anything within my power for him. But I vested too much of myself in that friendship. When I lost T I turned to M to make me feel better and I trusted too much. Because of the connection I had my world crumbled when I found out what he really was.

I found the partnerships that I had kept at a distance were the ones that kept me going, stuck by me and stuck up for me amidst everything that T and M had done and were doing.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's gonna be really hard for me to ever trust again but because of friends like C, Z and D it won't be impossible.

"Do not boast about tomorrow,

For you do not know what a day may bring."

Proverbs 27.1

Adam

Feelings

So today was a roller coaster of emotions, though not nearly as much as last Tuesday. Lots of things have been happening in my life and to quote my Dad, "Just as {I} was getting in control of things, everything seemed to be ripped apart again." As a typical Irish, redheaded grandson of DD I have a knack for over reacting which is both a blessing and a curse. While I do experience extreme anger, a short temper, and bouts of deep depression I also get to enjoy the lighter emotions much more intensely than most.

But those emotions can be a nuisance.

I can't control much less get rid of my strong connection and love for T. After all she's put me through, all she's said about me I still have no way of keeping these memories of her and my life with her at bay. I've prayed and prayed and prayed yet again for God to remove these feelings I feel for her since they are no longer reciprocated by her. But still, I wake up and miss her voice.

I'm not sure why God gave me the ability to remember the best times I had with T, or the long friendship I had with M but I do know that without these memories I wouldn't be who I I'm supposed to be.

I've hit the reset button on my life but it's not like the reset button on a computer. I haven't lost what I once was. That part of me is still saved. I just hit the reset button on how i view, manage and control those memories. My current feelings depend on how I handle what has happened so I can understand what is going to happen.

I know what you're thinking and the answer is no, I don't just like to hear the sound of my voice. This is just the tip of the iceberg of the ridiculousness that is my stream of consciousness.

"He loved to curse; let curses come on him.

He did not like blessing; may it be far from him.

He clothed himself with cursing as his coat,

May it soak into his body like water,

Like oil into his bones."

Psalms 109.17,18

Adam

Responsibility

Well that was a freakin disaster. I showed up to my Statistics test with a calculator that had no batteries in it. I needed that calculator for literally over 90% of that test and probably 50% were questions that couldn't be done by hand even if you had Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton and a room full of monkeys banging on keyboards for 3 years all collaborating.

When I left the test instantly I began to curse my ex girlfriend's and ex best friend's names for putting me in this deep depression that caused me to show up to the test late without time to get new batteries.

Then I had a realization. This is what I always do. Blame others for my problems. My entire life I have accepted no responsibility for any of my actions but what I failed to realize until now is that by doing that I can't accept any of the successes I've had. You can't have one but not the other. T and M didn't do this and they sure don't care that any of it has happened. It's up to me to control the outcome.

Then I talked to my little bro (fraternity) Z. In all his simple yet profound wisdom he reminded me that "it could be worse, you're alive, have all your body parts, no 50 lb tumor on your head and you're not growin roots from your extremities."

My mom let me know that law schools will not turn me down because of 1 semester. I can do this, I just have to put forth the effort.

So, from now on I will be spending 2 hours a day on school work. Each day. Every day. I know to most of you that is nothing, you put in 10X that. But for me this is alot and like I said earlier, the first step is the hardest.

"Dictionary is the only place that success comes before work. Hard work is the price we must pay for success. I think you can accomplish anything if you're willing to pay the price."

-Vince Lombardi

As a die-hard Packers fan I love his quotes. So I'll leave you with this, something to help you through the day as it has helped me through mine.

"As I have seen, those who plow iniquity

and sow trouble reap the same.

By the breath of God they perish,

and by the blast of his anger they are consumed."

Job 4.8,9

Adam

Change

The first step in making a change is always the hardest. I've begun the first of four changes I wanna make in my life. I've started working out with good regularity and intensity. That was the easiest change to make. Now I have to 1) Change my diet 2) Change my study habits 3) Change my relationship with God. I'm not sure how to accomplish all of that but I have faith that with persistence and determination I'll be able to accomplish what I want.

"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent."

-Calvin Coolidge

That was a quote my Dad sent me and I thought it was appropriate. Well, I'm off to try and change my studying habits by studying for my stats test. Hopefully I'll get some work done. :/

"Answer me, O Lord, for you steadfast love is good;

according to your abundant mercy, turn to me.

Do not hide your face from your servant,

for I am in distress- make haste to answer me.

Draw near to me, redeem me, set me free because of my enemies."

Psalms 69.16-18

Gettin Started

After what's been going on recently I figured I'd start gettin my thoughts out in a blog. I'm workin out every day now and tryin to improve myself to spite the ones i used to consider close to me who treated me like crap. I plan on blogging every day until i leave as an adult on mission trip with my family's church.

Also, I've started flipping through my bible trying to find verses that speak to me each day. This one seemed appropriate because of all the power I've been giving to people over me and how little I've been giving God.

Adam

"For who in the skies can be compared to the lord? Who among the heavenly beings is like the lord, a God feared in the council of the holy ones, great and awesome above all that are around him?" Psalms 89.6